JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #661.321!

Black Mahal – Music + Love + Dancing (self released) :: Strangely believe it, this one sounds like an ethno James Hyman mash-up that’s been mixed from the soundtracks of several Quentin Tarantino movies which haven’t been filmed yet. Liberally slather with a sonic spew topping of NPG-era Prince-style rappolas and you’ve got the ginchiest get down groove since the Love Unlimited Orchestra’s similarly titled Love And Dancing.

Canary Mine – Between A Rock And A Heartbreak (self released) :: Before I got tired and ran out of rigid digits, I counted close to a baker’s dozen of musicians who created this eminently enjoyable eclectic collection that covers just about every base you can touch from wailin’ harp blues and acoustic folk to violin country and e-lec-trickle pop with a sensational side order of stripped-down vaudeville, so get a-steppin’!

Winter Garden – Winter Garden (Rare Noise) :: So I slap this one on the old Victrola without looking at the credits—where I come from, we let the music do the talking—and the first thing I think of is that this is the greatest album Eno never recorded way back when the blonde bombshell’s binary brain was continually cranking out music for airports, films, and high scale hook shops. At which point I’m sufficiently intrigued enough to finally sneak a peak at who’s responsible for such sparse ethereal piano-fed atmospherics and I see that the guilty parties are none other than Eraldo Bernocchi, Robin Guthrie, and Old Uncle Een’s Obscure Records label-mate Harold Budd. Which explains why this excellent ambient album is already on my 2012 Top Ten list: because just when you thought that they literally no longer made albums like this, along comes one to prove you rongwrong.

SIZZLING EP OF THE WEEK: International Swingers – International Swingers (self released) :: If you’re in the market for some good old fashioned rock ’n’ roll that’s been forged to a finely honed edge of exuberant excellence, then you’ve come to the right place—and that’s because these here pleasure providing International Swingers are none other than Blondie and Romantics drummer Clem Burke; Sex Pistols and Rich Kids guitarist Glen Matlock; Gen X and Cult bassist James Stevenson; and Supernaught singer Gary Twinn. Impressive, I know.

Most of what passes for pop these days is pap but, as might be expected from such a stellar line up of proto-punk professionals, this extended player will have your hot bod bouncing off the walls and scattering plaster faster than you can whistle in Dixie.

My favorite tracks are the Elmore Leonard-ish “Honey’s Room” and the aptly-titled rave up “Out Of Control” but go see what your faves will be when you buy this one at any International Swingers gig. That’s right, these four hep cats don’t have a record contract—yet. But talent will out, so do your ears a favor and pick this one up after you treat yourself to the kind of live rock ’n’ roll show that Mother used to hate.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #660.320!

Rick Johnson – The Rick Johnson Reader: Tin Cans, Squeems & Thudpies (Mayfly Productions) :: If the late Lester Bangs is indeed “America’s Greatest Rock Critic”—I happen to come from the land of the ice and snow where I rank number one in a field of one in a country where I’m literally the only Canadian rock critic of note; you could look it up if indeed there was anything to look up other than my own extensive international body of work spanning six decades—then the late Ranger Reek Johnson is arguably number two. And although Rick sure knew his sports teams and his television shows, it’s his record reviews which ultimately anchor this excellent anthology, as evidenced by the following accurate analysis of Rush’s wretched Caress Of Steel album: “Anemic Led Zep with rats sneezing in the background.” And you thought I was good…

SIZZLING PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: Terry Knight And The Pack – Terry Knight And The Pack & Reflections (ABKCO) :: A long long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make me smile—especially when I could purchase it as an abandoned long playing platter at 69 cents a pop.

Which is why, over 40 years ago, I shelled out a cool buck fifty to buy these two albums at Sam The Record Man where the entire third floor was relegated to being one big dingy dimly-lit delete bin, ignominiously stacked with thousands upon thousands of dusty drilled out efforts that nobody wanted anymore—assuming that anybody ever wanted them in the first place—including such cult classics as Lou Christie’s Lighting Strikes, which reminds me: didja ever notice how the photo of falling rain that they superimposed over Lou’s mug on the front cover was slovenly slapped on upside down so that it rained up?

Now, thanks to the unbridled benevolence of the Allen And Betty Klein Company in conjunction with the Greta Garbo Home For Wayward Records And Singles, it’s still raining up in the world of rock ’n’ roll reissues because these two seminal slices of mid-sixties snapola are back on the racks as a revived and restored single disc of proto-pop delight which, some would say, puts the “mono” back in monotonous—but not me!

Terrance would later go on to use these initial efforts as a springboard to ramrod, manage, produce, and sue Grand Funk Railroad. And although these nascent noodlings do feature a Beatle-banged Mark Farner and an eerily Afroless Don Brewer, some would say that one listen to this pair of primitive Pack pop paeans will have you running to Grand Funk’s Live Album to wash the dullness out of your ears—but not me!

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t dare deprive yourself the pleasure of hearing Reflections’ stand-out track “Dimestore Debutante,” which eerily evokes Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone” from the opening organ notes to the nasally poetic-spouting vocals, even though some would say it’s a blatant theft—but not me, Babe! No, no, no, but not me, Babe!

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #659.319!

The Steepwater Band – Dharmakaya (Funzalo) :: Sometimes ya just don’t wanna think. Sometimes ya just wanna run on feral instinct alone and drain that keg, roll that doob, snout that line, crank that spike, and then howl rabidly like a speared boar for more more more how d’ya like it how d’ya like it more more more.

So if wretched excess is the religion you worship daily, then Steepwater’s Dharmakaya is the sordid soundtrack to your devout dissipation. Weaned on a steady diet of the Allman Brothers Band, not only do these four longhairs know their Johnny Winter and their Johnny Walker, they sure as shootin’ dish it all out in a nuclear hoedown of dirty fuzztone lead and slide guitar riffs.

The vocals are a gruntin’ outhouse mass o’southern refried moonshine that mashes up everyone from Paul Rodgers to Robert Plant with an added dose of nasty blues-steeped harp. Slap this record on auto-repeat startin’ at four on a Friday afternoon and by the followin’ Sunday morning you won’t know where you are, who you are, or what you used to be.

But first go take that beer bottle outta the freezer before it explodes, ya dumb spud.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Jawbone – Dang Blues (Jawbone) :: I was sitting in the lounge of the Empire Hotel. I was watching as the Maple Leafs and Red Wings slugged it out. A little woozy floozy staggered over to see. “Wussa score, Honey?” she slurred at me.

I tried to tell that woman that the game was tied late in the third. Instead she leaned over and squinted at me like she hadn’t heard a word. She jabbed a finger at me and looked like she was gonna scream. “Ainchoo that guy who wrote them mean things in that rag called CREEM? I saw your reviews, they’re all so full of misery.”

I said, “You’re thinking of Rick Johnson, so why don’t you leave me alone?” I told her ’bout a classic Motor City record I liked by Jawbone. “This guy’s a crazy one-man blues band, he plays a psycho harp. His slide guitar style’s really raw, it isn’t razor sharp. This kid rocks because he wasn’t raised on snobbery.”

She said, “I know about this Jawbone, the sidewalk’s where I heard this guy. He plays at all the music festivals although he never gets inside.”

I said, “Don’t worry, he will one day: Dang Blues cannot be beat. It’s filed in my collection next to Exile On Main St. His passion for music’s on display for all to see.”

I drained my drink and grabbed my jacket; I felt that it was time to leave. As I stood up she lurched against me, balancing herself on my sleeve. “Come on, let’s hear this Jawbone record,” she said with gin-soaked breath.

Just then the Leafs potted the winning goal in sudden death. The Michigan papers called it highway robbery.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #658!

Presented for your needle-droppin’ groove approval, in semi-strict ethno-alpha-numerical order so as not to show any undue kickback payola favoritism, is Jeffrey Morgan’s 2018 Top Ten List Of Records as they appear on my official ballot for this year’s Village Voice rock critics poll, which I’ve been voting in annually ever since Robert Christgau was kind enough to give me the nod some five decades or so ago. In other words, and I’ve got a million of ’em, these are my Sizzling Platters Of The Year, all of which deserve repeated spins on your old grand-dad’s Victrola. Don’t ask why! Just buy them!

Ace Frehley – Spaceman (Entertainment One) ● Lesya Rayman – Going Up (self released) ● Ted Nugent – The Music Made Me Do It (Round Hill) ● Electronica Pineapple Boys – Hello! EPB (self released) ● Kid Rock – Sweet Southern Sugar (BGM) ● The Kiddiwinks – Wicked Leisure (self released) ● The Dark Light – Keep Off The Grass (Unknown Pleasures) ● Edward Sayer – Underdog / Overlord (self released) ● Brothers In Arms – Trump For America (self released) ● Various Artists – 23 Classic Blues Songs From The 1920s Volume 16 (Blues Images)

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #657.295.347.399.554!

This is Bob “Media Blackout” Hope coming to you live from the Big Room upstairs where I’m filling in for Jeffrey Morgan, who’s away this week celebrating Christmas by listening to some of the latest rice-paddy platters in Da Nang Trong province. You know what ‘Da Nang Trong’ means, don’t you? That’s Vietnamese for “Exit strategy? We don’t need no stinking exit strategy.”

No, but I’m really thrilled to be here on the road to ruin, as my good friend Joey Ramone would say. In fact, all of the Ramones are up here, although it took them a while to clear customs. They were forty pounds overweight, and that was just their hair. Yeah, and I hear Joey’s going to record a new Christmas song with Bing Crosby as soon as the old groaner recovers from that “Little Drummer Boy” duet he did with new arrival David Bowie 41 years ago. Just wait until he finds out that Joey’s been taking sarong lessons from Dorothy Lamour. Isn’t that wild?

Hey, how about a few reviews!

John Lennon – “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” (Apple) :: Hippie.

Various Artists – We Wish You A Metal Xmas And A Headbanging New Year (Armory) :: Look, even I can only take so much of Bing singing “White Christmas” before I get a hardcore hankerin’ to dreck the halls with gobs of metal. That’s why I’ve been listening nonstop to this twelve track compilation of carols, which features everyone from Lemmy to Alice to Dio. I’ll be deaf for Christmas, if only in my screams.

Christina – “Things Fall Apart” (ZE) :: I thought Britney Smears was a basket case until I heard this record. It originally escaped back in 1981 on A Christmas Record and it’s still the most mentally disturbed Noël number ever released. And that includes Jerry Colonna’s rendition of Johnny Bower’s “Honky The Christmas Goose.”

Rhonda Silver – “Chri$tma$ On Credit” (Silver Shadow) :: You can forget all about Eartha Kitt mewing out the high-priced “Santa Baby” for the umpteenth year in a row because this is the new torch song for today’s troubled times. You’ll sign up for a government bailout when you hear sultry songstress Silver croon: “You know that Santa’s got the blues ’cause he ain’t got no green. Looks like Mrs. Claus has picked his pockets clean!” In other words: Cash is king.

Johnny Cash – The Johnny Cash Christmas Specials: 1976-1979 (Shout! Factory) :: Hey, and what better way to celebrate the season than by watching this four disc box set containing the Man In Black’s holiday television specials. Cash doing Christmas would be reason enough to watch at any time, but what really makes this a seasonal must see is the truly eclectic line up of guest stars, including everyone from longtime stage stalwarts June Carter and Carl Perkins to country legends Merle Travis and Roy Clark to seminal Sun rockers Roy Orbison and Jerry Lee Lewis.

The Beatles – Christmas Time Is Here Again! (Fan Club Flexi-Disc) :: Hippies.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Mr. T – “I Told You Hannibal: I Ain’t Gettin’ On No Sleigh!” b/w “Shut Up, You Crazy Yule!” (T-Neck) :: Boy, I wanna tell ya, ain’t that something?

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #656.318!

Jersey – Generation Genocide (Republic) :: Joe Strummer liked the Clash, too. But he didn’t make a career out of copying them for the rest of his life.

The Cooper Temple Clause – Kick Up The Fire And Let The Flames Break Loose (RCA) :: More proof that you should never let kids play with matches.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Sheesham & Lotus & ’Son – 1929: The New Kings Of Old Time (Sepiaphone) :: The problem with the past is that it ain’t present no more—but if you’re half the shellac supporter that I think you are, then there’s reason to tip your battered fedora and hoist a bootleg bottle of hooch ’cause Sheesham Crow (fiddle - harp - kazoo), Lotus Wight (banjo - kazoo), and ’SonSanderson (sousaphone) are here to transform your day from dreary to cheery with the hottest and heppest halcyon happening since R. Crumb’s pioneering Cheap Suit Serenaders musically paved a path to the past back in the ’70s.

And for those of you not in the know, it behoves me to point out that Robert Crumb is nothing less than the 20th Century’s greatest and most influentially cogent comix creator that the world has ever seen; a modern man cursed with a perverted poet’s soul who, incongruously trapped in a world he never made, perpetually pines away for a simpler day in a barely electrical era.

Well, what with it being recorded by one measly old two bit dime store microphone and all, 1929 is the kind of bracing monophonic tonic that’d make even an old curmudgeon like Crumb sit up and smile. For not only does this twelve track treasure take you back to those bygone bucolic days of yesteryear, it’ll jostle your overloaded brainpan into fondly remembering how much better yesterday’s music was compared to today’s complex caterwauling.

But don’t you go thinking that 1929 is some kinda misplaced nostalgia act like Tiny Tim warbling “Tiptoe Through The Tulips” or the New Vaudeville Orchestra doing the megaphone bit on “Winchester Cathedral” ’cause it’s as vibrant and vital as a headline torn from last night’s All Star Final or this morning’s Bulldog Edition—and if you don’t believe me, just give a listen to such timeless cautionary tales as the double-dealin’ wife-cheatin’ original composition “Drunken Nights” or the Jaybird Coleman classic of lust on the loose “Giving It Away” with its cautionary lyric: “Well a nickel is a nickel and a dime’s a dime. I got a house fulla children; ain’t none of ’em mine!”

Bonus points for having a retrographic album cover design that peerlessly promotes the era in question and has a label design that’s suitable for framing and worth the price of admission alone. On second thought, mebbe you’d best buy two copies: one for your doll’s wall and one for y’all the next time you’re having a rent party.

R. Crumb And His Cheap Suite Serenaders – R. Crumb And His Cheap Suite Serenaders (Blue Goose) :: Exactly!

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #655.317!

Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith – Men In Black (Columbia Pictures 2012) :: That call this going “Back In Time”? Why, even a stooge wouldn’t believe that.

Moe Howard & Larry Fine & Curly Howard – Men In Black (Columbia Pictures 1934) :: Exactly!

Huey Lewis And The News – “Back In Time” (Chrysalis) :: Exactly!

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: King Mob – Force 9 (SPV) :: If I had a dime for every superhype front cover promo sticker that’s left me less than underwhelmed, I’d come back and buy this town and give it all, give it all to you. But here’s one superhype front cover promo sticker that’s worth its weight in solid gold easy action:

“KING MOB are: CHRIS SPEDDING – Guitar! GLEN MATLOCK – Bass! MARTIN CHAMBERS – Drums! STEPHEN W PARSONS aka SNIPS – Vocals! SIXTEEN – Guitar!”

Okay, so mebbe the exclamation points are mine, but that don’t matter none, no how, no way ’cause where I come from, we call that a rock ’n’ roll supergroup—and this is one rock ’n’ roll supergroup that’ll have your sorry sluggish flatlinin’ carcass up ’n’ at ’em at the crack of Dawn in no time flat, boy howdy!

Robert Downey Jr. & Chris Evans & Mark Ruffalo & Chris Hemsworth & Scarlett Johansson & Jeremy Remer & Tom Hiddleston – The Avengers (Paramount) :: They’re okay, but they’re no John Steed and Emma Peel—and Samuel L. Jackson’s no David Hasselhoff.

Patrick Macnee & Diana Rigg – The Avengers (ITV) :: Exactly!

David Hasselhoff – Nick Fury: Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC Movie Of The Week) :: Exactly!

FROZEN PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: Thor & Mick Hoffman – Beastwomen From The Center Of The Earth (ThorToen/Antimatter) & Thor – Thor Against The World (Smog Veil) :: He comes from the land of the ice and snow and he’s been rockin’ Asgard down ever since he first appeared on the Canadian permafrost many an eon ago! So bow down and offer up your nubiles in pudenda parting penance because Jon Mikl Thor is back!

Thor’s first testament is a behemoth “rock odyssey” recorded in tandem with ace axemeister Mick Hoffman! Beastwomen From The Center Of The Earth is a truly terrifying tundra tale torn from another time that finds the Rock Warrior trapped in a world he never made! Hear him rail! “When the hammer falls you can hear the dogs howling for blood!” His titanic triumph over the tenacious tendrils of tyranny is nothing less than a senses-shattering sonic shock to the system!

But it’s on Thor Against The World that the Thunder God unleashes his mightiest bolts of molten metal yet down upon a world both unsuspecting and undeserving! Hear him roar! “I am the future! The coming of Thor!” So be it!

By Odin’s beard, verily I doth tell you that the time hath come for a Thor revival! And let it be writ by mighty Mjolnir that there shall be nothing Loki about it!

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #654.315!

Wolf Eyes – Burned Mind (Sub Pop) :: Here’s this Ann Arbor band’s recipe for disaster: Take a copy of Metal Machine Music. Play at maximum volume. Scream on top of it. Slice into nine tracks. Garnish with names like “Stabbed In The Face” and “Urine Burn.” Serve cold.

SIZZLING PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: Black Merda – The Folks From Mother’s Mixer (Funky Delicacies) & Various Artists – Funky Funky New Orleans Volume 4 (Funky Delicacies) :: Boy, do I ever miss the ’70s. Forget about the ’60s which was nothing but a buncha hippies and leftover beatnik coffee shops that charged an extortionist sixty cents for a plain black cuppa Joe—yeah, they sure saw the future coming—because the ’70s had the glitter glam crowd posing next to the punks pogoing next to the zoot suited Afro preeners pimping their ladies in one giant cross-cultural stylegasm.

Indeed, I remember sitting in a jazz club and watching as a partially paralyzed Rahsaan Roland Kirk limped off stage half an hour after his set began because the pimps doing business at the bar thirty feet away were making too much noise. Shortly thereafter, this venerable institution became an upscale new wave club. Then all the downtown lavender joints had a methbed conversion and went from pansy to punk literally overnight when they smelled fresh influxes of cash from all the young rubes—which led to such surreal spectacles as hardcore punk bands playing next to giant statues of Michelangelo’s fig-leafed David. Ah, those were the days my friend and, no, we didn’t think they’d ever end. Then the ’80s quietly crept up and sapped us on the back of the noggin while we weren’t looking and that was the name of that tune.

Speaking of which, The Folks From Mother’s Mixer is a compilation of Black Merda’s first two albums of seminal Detroit wah wah guitar-driven psychedelic funk: their self-titled debut album from 1970; and 1972’s freakified follow-up Long Burn The Fuse. Whether your agenda is to bear arms or spread legs, this album contains enough amped-up ammo to perforate either way you play.

Meanwhile, Funky Funky New Orleans Volume 4 offers up sexteen solid sets of salacious sounds from 1969 to 1973. The lubricious song titles tell the whole story from “Jungle Weed” and “Turn Me On” to “Sooky Feeling” and “C’mon And Make Me.” And if you’re up for the down stroke but the down stroke keeps eluding you, I guarantee that one long hit of “How To Make Love” will put you in the proper pudenda pounding groove.

So if you’re dead set against maintaining the status bro and you subscribe to the Pimp My Pimp movement that would have today’s Soledrab brothas ditch the baggy rags and dress more like Michael D. “Rooster” Roberts did on Baretta or Antonio “Huggy Bear” Vargas did on Starsky & Hutch, then these two albums are made for you, jive turkey.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S ROCK ’N’ ROLL PHOTOGRAPHS

While you’re visiting, don’t forget to view the dozens of essential selections from my vast archive of hundreds of extremely rare and previously unseen rock ’n’ roll photographs from the 1970s and 1980s—all of which were taken by myself from my front row center seat at various venerable venues; vintage historical portraits which include the following rock stars caught in their youthful prime:

David Bowie (1976 Station To Station tour) :: Lou Reed (1974 Sally Can’t Dance tour) :: Iggy Pop (1977 The Idiot tour) :: Bob Dylan (1978 Street Legal tour) :: George Harrison (1974 Dark Horse tour) :: Paul McCartney (1976 Wings Over America tour) :: Pete Townshend (1976 The Who By Numbers tour) :: Johnny Winter (1976 Captured Live! tour) :: Jeff Beck (1975 Blow By Blow tour) :: KISS (1977 Love Gun tour) :: Alice Cooper (1975 Welcome To My Nightmare tour) :: Freddie Mercury (1977 News Of The World tour) :: Amanda Lear (1975 Sweet Revenge tour) :: Rod Stewart (1977 Foot Loose & Fancy Free tour) :: Mick Jagger (1975 It’s Only Rock ’n Roll tour) :: New York Dolls (1975 Tokyo Dolls Live tour) :: Keith Richards (1975 It’s Only Rock ’n Roll tour) :: Ian Hunter (1989 YUI Orta tour) :: Elton John (1974 Caribou tour) :: Mick Ronson (1989 YUI Orta tour) :: Steven Tyler (1977 Draw The Line tour) :: Sparks (1975 Indiscreet tour) :: James Brown (1986 Gravity tour) :: Miles Davis (1985 You’re Under Arrest tour) :: Roger Daltrey (1976 The Who By Numbers tour) :: Bruce Springsteen & Clarence Clemons (1975 Born To Run tour) :: John Entwistle (1976 The Who By Numbers tour) :: Keith Moon (1976 The Who By Numbers tour) :: The Who (1976 The Who By Numbers tour) :: and more!

Ask any dealer and he’ll tell you that the best way to get someone hooked on your product is to give them a free sample, so here’s just a small taste of what’s coming your way when you click on the eleven gallery links to your left:

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #653.313!

Styx – The Grand Illusion / Pieces Of Eight: Live (Eagle) :: Wherein two compact discs; one video disc; and two classic progressive rock albums performed live in their entirety add up to one enjoyable exercise in endless nostalgia, all expertly played with peerless note perfect precision, as befitting these master progrocksticators!

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK: Queen – Days Of Our Lives: The Definitive Documentary Of The World’s Greatest Rock Band (Eagle) :: Like sand through the hourglass, so are the number of music videos that I have to watch each week about beat combos that are supposedly “The World’s Greatest Rock Band.” Well, as it so happens, I’ve seen The World’s Greatest Rock Band perform live in concert and these guys ain’t it; they’re The World’s Second Greatest Rock Band and they prove it all night in spades on this exhaustively titled officially authorized and sonically sanctioned audio-visual documentary that’s, well, about as nigh-on definitive as you’re likely to get.

It don’t matter none whether you go ga ga for clean shaven long haired Freddie or go goo goo for mustachioed short haired Freddie ’cause no matter which way you swing you’ll wind up on the receiving end of a bevy of dynamic live footage; an ace accounting of archival interviews; a cool cadre of contemporary interviews; and more bonus Queen rock videos than you can shake a stick at—and if that’s your idea of a good time, then bring your dog along and I’ll give him a bonus too.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Lords Of Acid – Deep Chills (Metropolis) :: What Rob Zombie’s White Zombie are to satirical B movie horror movies and what Sascha Konietzko’s KMFDM are to satirical socio-political agendas, Pragha Khan’s Lords Of Acid are to satirical suburban sex-soaked soirées—and with sinsational song titles like “The Crab Louse” and “Young Boys” and “Drink My Honey” and the ever-popular “I Must Increase My Bust,” you’d best believe that Lords know whereof they shriek, all backed by a percolating cauldron of techno-syntho beats that’s so pulchritudinously persuasive it can pop a primed pudenda at thirty feet.

Now, after a self-imposed hiatus of 12—count ’em—12 long years spent brain tripping in parts unknown, the carnal cult responsible for such semenal (sic) sexamples of forbidden sexcess as 1994’s VooDoo U and 2000’s Farstucker (really sic) is back in the stirrups again with this brand new spread-eagled sextravaganza that’ll teach you more then a couple of new tricks about what’s still habitually going on hot ’n’ heavy behind every green door.

Aided and ably abetted by a lush new lineup of rockin’ reprobaters that includes new femme fatale vocalist DJ Mea, this one sounds like a kooky retrophonic cross between a Casio keyboard orgy gone feral and a technophonic USB meltdown. Even better, “The Love Bus” sounds like Lee Hazlewood come back from the Great Beyond to have one final fling with Nancy Sinatra. Bonus points for sheathing this throbbing monster in a Charles Addams meets R. Crumb raincoat.

Big Brother & The Holding Company – Cheap Thrills (Columbia) :: Exactly!

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #652.312!

The Never – Never (Mo-Risen) :: Arrangements straight outta Queen via Sha Na Na? Chipmunk vocals á la Russell Mael? A music publishing company called “Watch Out For Cancer”? Pretentious band names like Ari-Vox, Noah-Vox, Jonny-Vox, and Joah-Vox? Liner notes containing a heartfelt Earth Day plea to respect the environment by recycling? Alright, if you insist: hello garbage can!

Communiqué – Poison Arrows (Lookout) :: These breathless boys want to be the new effete darlings of glam so badly that they’ll do anything to make it—and that includes starting off one of ‘their’ songs with a note for note copy of Bowie’s “Ashes To Ashes.” Where I come from, we don’t call that a quote. We call that a theft.

The Thermals – F#!%ing A (Sub Pop) :: They aspire to be thermonuclear but only manage to deliver a lukewarm thermos payload. Despite worshipping at the shrine of St. Johnny, singer-lyricist Hutch Harris doesn’t realize that Rotten actually sang his lyrics instead of merely reciting them in a flat monotonic monologue. Influence is one thing, kid. Inflection is another thing entirely.

Demolition Doll Rods – On (Swami) :: I was gonna give this one a marginally passing grade for cheap sleazy enthusiasm until I found out that this slapdash hash, which sounds as if it had been recorded in a concrete bunker during a keg party, was actually their third album instead of the debut disc I initially deemed it to be—and as The Stooges and New York Dolls will tell you, that’s one outing too many because two kicks at the can are all you really need to make the grade.

The Je Ne Sais Quoi – Secret Language (Coalition) :: New York, London, Paris, Munich. Here at jeffreymorgan.info world headquarters we receive all manner of media from all over the world, like this lump of rump. Now with a name like “The Je Ne Sais Quoi” you’d never expect these guys to hail from Sweden, the land best known for Ingmar Bergman movies and an old Stranglers song, but they do. And although it only lasts but a mere sixteen minutes, this extended player is proof positive that Swedish rock bands can be just as excruciatingly dull as the bands in your home town are. Everybody talkin’ ’bout schlock musik.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Mixel Pixel – Contact Kid (Kanine) :: Just as Eno was sonically scalded by the Velvet Underground, Mixel Pixel has been equally Enossified, right down to starting off “Mantis Rock” with the same cricket menace that Eno ended Tiger Mountain’s “The Great Pretender” with—but they’re not just out to up the Eno ante exponentially. “Out Of My Mind” is the Beatles at their most LSD chromosome damaged; “The Drag City Starlet” is Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” turned inside out and eviscerated; “Gas House Gables” is a Satanic Majesties overdose; and “I Am The Contact Kid” is Alice Cooper doing “Blue Jay Way.” Contact High School is more like it.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #651.311!

Owl City – Live From Los Angeles (Eagle) :: I never heard of these nerds before, but after suffering through their mundane music and banal between song banter...

“Los Angeles, California, I wanna thank you so much for being here with us this evening! It’s kind of a special evening there’s, there’s, like, cameras everywhere! We’re shooting our first ever DVD so... Please smile... Please look beautiful... Oh, wait! You’re L.A.! No problem!”

...I never want to hear them again.

Santana – Greatest Hits Live At Montreux 2011 (Eagle) :: Carlos Santana’s greatest hits moment was at Woodstock long before he got stupid and started wearing t-shirts adorned with the smug mug of mass murderer Ernesto “Che” Guevara. But if you can forgive him that heinous ethical lapse, then maybe you’ll enjoy these two video discs which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Stupetana’s dim-wittedness doesn’t extend all the way down to his guitar playing. But he’s still an ignorant clod.

Ray Charles – Live In France 1961 (Eagle) :: I’ve never cottoned to Ray Charles and I’ve spent years in therapy trying to figure out why. Initially I thought it was because I didn’t like the way Ray bobbed his head from side to side—but then my head shinker pointed out that I didn’t mind it when Stevie Wonder did the exact same thing. Then I thought it was because I didn’t like the way Ray sang in a guttural growl—but then my head shinker pointed out that I didn’t mind it when Joe Cocker did the exact same thing. So I gave this restored and remastered black and white television special to my head shinker; cancelled my remaining couch sessions; and didn’t go back no more, no more, no more, no more.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Lamont James – Poppies (self released) :: You better go out and get yourself a box of push pins and a really big map ’cause this here Lamont James is all over it. First he comes across like some kinda cross between Aquashow era Elliott Murphy and The Beatles era John Lennon at their most acoustically mellow (“Today”). Next he morphs into Around The World In A Day era Prince (“Song Of You”) and Candy-O era Cars at their most synthesizer saturated (“Sorry”). Then he has the good sense smarts to plug it in and crank it up on a cover of Teenage Head’s seminal single “Picture My Face.” After that he deftly deconstructs things down with an ambient electronic instrumental like “Kaüzendüx” that eerily evokes Stockhausen at his short waviest. But best of all is track twelve which lasts all of twenty seconds and contains naught but a syncopated drum solo. “Hey,” thinks I at the five second mark, “this reminds me of ‘Premier Drums’ on The Who Sell Out.” So I take a look to see what the song title is and wouldn’t ya know that it says: “Moonie.”

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #650.307!

Them murderous master race ratzis may have been lousy at winning world wars and taking over the world, but what they lacked in dictatorial smarts they more than made up for on the Krautrock ’n’ roll front lines—as evidenced by these three formerly Verboten videos.

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK #1: Ian Hunter and Mick Ronson – Live At Rockpalast – Gruganhalle, Essen, Germany – April 19 & 20, 1980 (MVD Video) :: First up we have everybody’s favorite deuce on the loose, that joined at the fret titanic tag team of Hunteronson who separately and together did more for the advancement and preservation of beefy, but never beefcake, kick like a mule rock ’n’ roll than anyone else on the planet—especially Riki Monsoon, who shredded strings for such theatrical mascara wearers as Lou Reed; David Bowie; Mott The Hoople; and Bob Dylan.

This one shows them on their Welcome To The Club world tour wherein they plow through a number of Mott classics from “All The Way from Memphis” and “All The Young Dudes” to a number of solo Hunter classics from “Once Bitten Twice Shy” and “Cleveland Rocks” to a book ended beginning and end featuring Ronson soloing on “FBI” to begin the show and “Slaughter On Tenth Avenue” to end it—both of which, frankly, are worth the price of admission alone.

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK #2: Roy Buchanan – Live At Rockpalast – Markthalle, Hamburg, Germany, February 24, 1985 (MVD Video) :: They’re still calling Roy Buchanan “the world’s best unknown guitarist” and I have to agree, even though I was buying his records back in the ’70s. But if you’ve never heard of him, let alone heard him play, let alone seen him play, then this performance, which was recorded a mere three years before his controversial death at the age of 48, is essential viewing to put it mildly.

Buchanan is also the world’s most visually unlikeliest guitarist you’ll ever see, what with his cocky beret and rummy whiskers and professorial corduroy jacket. But once you’ve witnessed him effortlessly blaze through everything from Henry M’s “Peter Gunn” to Booker T’s “Green Onions,” you’ll understand why Roy Buchanan will always remain the guitarist’s guitarist. As always, the standout centerpiece of the show is his jaw dropping seven minute version of “The Messiah Will Come Again,” which cleans everybody’s clock from James Marshall to James Patrick and literally has to be seen to be believed—and even then you’ll doubt what your unbelieving eyes are beholding.

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK #3: Public Image Limited – Live At Rockpalast – Zeche Bochum, Germany, October 31, 1983 (MVD Video) :: Last, but certainly not least, is this quaint little full-length exercise in musical restraint by that suave stylist Mr. John Lydon, who pulls out every stop to show all and sundry why PiL are one of the minimalistically greatest—not to mention metronomically gratest—regressive art rock combos to ever hit the boards. Then again, with a set list that impressively includes everything from “Public Image” and “Flowers Of Romance” to “(This Is Not A) Love Song” and “Anarchy In The U.K.” how can you go wrongo, boyo? Bonus points for including rehearsal footage of “Annalisa” and “Chant.”

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #649.306!

Phil Spector – Back To Stereo (Philles) :: After the Supreme Court refused to overturn the life sentence of convicted murderer Phil Spector—thus ensuring that he’ll stay behind bars where he can’t threaten anyone anymore—every record company that the disgraced producer ever worked for jointly agreed to delete all of Spector’s original mono recordings from their back catalogues and then have Academy Award winning Lucasfilm sound sculptor Walter Murch digitally remix the original studio multi-tracks into THX benchmark stereo and 9.1 surround sound at Skywalker Ranch. As one veteran record executive explains in the liner notes to this ten disc box set: “I’ve been waiting to get back at that bald-headed bastard ever since he pulled a gun on me during the recording of ‘He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss).’ Mono. What does that woman slayer think this is, anyway? 1950?”

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Andre Williams – Hoods And Shades (Bloodshot) :: The first thing you notice is that the album cover comes gang bangin’ atcha straight outta some kinda drive-by ghetto blasted vintage blaxploitation one sheet: I’m talkin’ ’bout a tricked out pimp daddy flashin’ dual solid gold JAIL and BAIT knuckle rings with his meaty mitts wrapped around two dishy thunder-age bikini-clad gun-toting foxes; a Cagnesque exploding oil refinery; a double barreled pump action guitar; a trench coated machete wieldin’ maniac escapin’ a fiery inferno multi car collision via a danglin’ helicopter ladder; plus a sinister as sin cadre of terrorist fist-jabbin’ Unabomber lookalikes.

And with songs like the moralistic “A Good Day To Feel Bad” and the animalistic “Jaw Dropper” and the hoodooistic “Mojo Hanna” you’d better believe that this one’s got the ginchiest gonad-grabbin’ goods ’cause Williams has forgotten more about life than you’ll ever learn so mebbe it’s about time for you to pick up on what he’s putting down, y’hear?

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK: The B-52s – With The Wild Crowd! Live In Athens, Georgia (Eagle) :: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: show me a live-in-their-hometown reunion album and I’ll show you a lazy litany of last gasp let down expectations—but not this time I won’t ’cause this is the most kinetically frenetic fun fiesta since their pulsating Party Mix! radically redefined what a remix record should sound like. And now that you can actually see them in action on this outta sight two hour video in their Day-Glo get ups in front of a vertiginous Time Tunnel backdrop, you’ll agree that these kitschy camp runamuck jive bombers haven’t missed a strategically placed lick since their “Private Idaho” and “Love Shack” hit single heyday. Not only do they rock harder than ever, their witty retro-ironic antics jibe with today’s pop culture landscape in a kooky cool way that vitally resonates even more than it did thirty years ago. That’s why the line to elect supersexy Cindy Wilson into the Rock Hall starts here.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #648.305!

The Monkees – Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Jones Ltd. (RCA) :: While the Beatles and Stones spent 1967 getting doped up and recording their hippy-dippy stoner albums Sgt. Pepper’s and Satanic Majesties, these hardcore radical Yankee outlaws were singing about drug pushers (“Salesman”); horny teenage sluts (“She Hangs Out”); a naïve girl getting brutally gangbanged by the Hells Angels (“Cuddly Toy”); promiscuous groupies on the prowl (“Star Collector”); and suburban surreal estate (“Pleasant Valley Sunday”). That’s right, a Hells Angels gangbang. Who you gonna believe: me or your own ears?

SIZZLING PLATTER OF ALL TIME: Rolling Stones – Live At Altamont (December 9, 1969) :: And speaking of the Hells Angels, you can watch Gimme Shelter over and over again until the cows come home but you’ll never be able to truly understand the horrific tragedy of Altamont until you’ve lived through this harrowing audio experience.

If anyone in the entire history of rock ’n’ roll ever deserves to be awarded a Purple Heart for bravery far above and beyond the call of duty, it’s the five anonymous fearless audience members who had the guts to tape the individual pieces that collectively comprise this complete hour and a half concert, which was recorded during the middle of the night in what was, literally, an outdoor combat zone patrolled and brutally enforced by a hostile horde of Hells Angels.

What makes this aural document the most historically important Rolling Stones live concert ever is that, unlike a sterile soundboard tape, this revelatory recording plunges you right into the front row at Altamont as an actual audience member instead of as a safely detached spectator—and it’s nothing short of astonishing to hear how rapidly events inexorably deteriorate.

Minutes into the first song one audience member cheerfully says: “Have a good time!” To which another replies with equal ebullience: “You too!” By the third song everything’s already irrevocably doomed. “Let me outta here!” someone yells, only to be anxiously told: “There’s nowhere to go, man!” When the singer impotently demands to know “who’s fighting and what for?” an irate man instantly bellows back at him: “Who do you think?” Next a woman screams: “Get a doctor!”

By the time Sam “Everything seems to be ready, are you ready?” Cutler takes the microphone to announce: “We’ve also lost, in the front here, a little girl who’s five years old” and the band breaks into—wait for it—Jimmy Reed’s “The Sun Is Shining,” everything has become so surrealistically appalling that you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. When they eventually get around to playing “Brown Sugar” in public for the first time, one person has been murdered and who knows how many others have been injured.

“...like one of you could control one little girl...” the singer admonishes.

And the band played on.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #657.304!

Automan – Backseat Surprise (Unkle Dunk) :: It’s a good thing that Darrell Dwarf—double d, geddit?—Miller is a better singer songwriter than he is an album cover designer ’cause his “record design, concept and graphics” suck worse than an unplugged Hoover with a full bag.

And speaking of full bags, I’m all for having some anonymous skirt’s double d’s displayed on an album cover but the next time around he really oughtta hand-jive some Ohio Players jackets for inspiration first—at least they didn’t neuter their nude cover photos by running them as a pseudo-solarized negative image. That said, the music is an appealing power pop pud that owes more than a little to the kind of boozy bar band bombast that made the ’70s famous.

MEDIA CULPA: And speaking of the ’70s, here’s an acidic flashback to the September 1976 issue of Cheap Thrills when I was just a callow youth who wrote the following record review and actually thought it was funny; then again, I did edit the rag, for Pete’s sake.

And speaking of Pete Townshend, who recently wrote a public apology for using offensive words like “blacks” and “queers” and “rape” when he wrote Quadrophenia in 1973, I likewise echo his sentiment that: “One day I would be made to apologize. I do so here. Now.”

Thankfully, after decades of intense sensitivity training, my writing style has now evolved over the past 40 years to the point where I would never write something as irresponsibly heinous like this today:

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: The Ohio Players – Contradiction (Mercury) :: It’s long been a proven scientific fact that all women have brains the size of a pea. I know it, you know it, and the Ohio Players know it. Just like Pleasure; Pain; Fire; Water; Ecstasy; Money; Leather; and Greed before it, Contraception continues the Players’ search for the Eternal All-Nite Party and the funky, foxy All-Nite Lay that goes with it in some secluded upstairs bedroom.

I mean, just dig these liner notes: “I’ll only use you when absolutely necessary...” Right on! And how about these lyrics: “Women are feminine and that’s all right with me ’cause they make my manhood feel good.” All right, indeed! And dig that naked broad ridin’ that horse inside the fold-out sleeve! Thumpa Thumpa City! You betcha!

Them Ohio Players know that a woman’s proper place is either in the kitchen makin’ dinner or in the bedroom makin’ babies. So keep the OP on the turntable at ALL TIMES ’cause you never know when you just might be in the mood to put your lady in her proper place (and we all know where that is).

Next to the Ohio Players, Barry White is a fag and all women nuthin’ but slaves. Do you hear me? SLAVES! Alright, it’s time to get down. You know what to do. Now get to it.

Beulah, peel me a grape.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #656.302!

The Who – “Tattoo” (Decca) :: Best song title ever!

Van Halen – “Tattoo” (Interscope) :: Best song title ever!

The Beatles – “From Me Tattoo” (Parlophone) :: Worst song title ever!

SIZZLING REISSUE OF THE WEEK: The Who – Quadrophenia Maximum: The Director’s Cut: Super Deluxe Edition (Polydor) :: This definitive four disc edition of the ’Oo’s masterpiece lives up to its exhaustive title by including over two dozen demos plus a profusely illustrated book written by the album’s big nosed songwriter that’s one hundred English pounds—er, pages.

SIZZLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK: The Who – Live At The Cow Palace (November 20, 1973) :: When the ’Oo went on their 1973 “whirlwind” tour of North America to promote Quadrophenia, they weren’t kidding around because within twelve days it was all over but the drinking.

Luckily, this privately recorded two hour black and white videotape—a three camera shoot which was “liberated” from promoter Bill Graham’s personal archive—captures the band’s opening night in San Francisco as they struggle with a dodgy quadraphonic sound system and a druggy quadriplegic drummer who passes out not once, but twice, after imbibing animal tranquilizers and booze.

Then, with the cameras still rolling, the big nosed guitarist steps up to the microphone and asks the music question: “Is there a drummer in the house?” At which point teenage audience member Scot Halpin accepts the offer, is allowed up on stage, and actually sits down behind Keith Moon’s drums. Then things really get interesting.

SIZZLING BOOK OF THE WEEK: Richie Unterberger – Won’t Get Fooled Again: The Who From Lifehouse To Quadrophenia (Jawbone) :: Even the biggest ’Oo fan will be impressed by this painstakingly researched digest that comprehensively covers the band’s most prolific post-Thomas period. I learned more about the ’Oo in the first 25 pages than I did in the last 25 years! Bonus points for quoting a CREEM Magazine interview that I did with “Old Big Nose” back in 1975 about the ’Oo’s legendary rock opera Bible One.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Pete Townshend – Live At The Roundhouse (April 14, 1974) :: What makes this audience recording of Pete’s first ever live solo concert so charming to listen to is the fact that it actually is a solo performance in that the bulk of the show consists of Pete playing his electric guitar accompanied only by a primitive rhythm generator. “This next one is a little bit more complicated,” he says prior to playing “Big Boss Man” as he strives to set the machine to a new preset rhythm. “Fox Trot 2 on the beat box.”

The crowd is a rowdy boisterous lot that results in a lot of banter between the artist and his audience of hard core fans. “I come from a rough neighbour’ood,” he warns a heckler before launching into an eclectic selection of songs ranging from Jimmy Reed’s “Goin’ To New York” to Tim Harden’s “If I Were A Carpenter” and an even more arcane assortment of ’Oo songs ranging from “Tattoo” and “Happy Jack” to “The Seeker” and “Let’s See Action.”

He even takes a break to spin two demo recordings of “My Generation” and give a prototypical Professor Pete pontification on how they were made in his home studio. “Note the stutter!” he proudly points out as the first tape plays.

Bonus points for rewriting “Magic Bus” to include this new inspirational insecurity verse: “I’m so nervous, I’m sure it shows. Don’t say anything about my great big nose!”

The Who – Bible One (Eel Pie) :: Coming soon!

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #645.297!

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice Rules: Live At Madison Square Garden (Vestron Video) :: Boy, what a difference three decades can make, huh? Vestron Video isn’t around anymore and, for the most part, neither is Dice. But this concert film from 1990 shows why he’s still the only comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row—and get a standing ovation, before he even says a word, just by shrugging his shoulder and lighting a cigarette. Hey wussa madder you can’t take a joke oh!

David Lee Roth – DLR Band (Wawazat!) :: Boy, what a difference two decades can make, huh? Wawazat! Records isn’t around anymore and, for the most part, neither is Roth. But this...

Van Halen – A Different Kind Of Truth (Interscope) :: ...never mind.

Various Artists – Insomniac’s Electric Daisy Carnival Experience (Ultra DVD) :: This trippy two hour documentary by Kevin Kerslake contains music and performances by Underworld, Chemical Brothers, ReSeT!, N*E*R*D, Kid Cudi, Daft Punk, Will.I.Am, Travis Barker X A-Trak, Swedish House Mafia, Steve Aoki, Simian Mobile Disco, Mstrkrft, Moby, Laidback Luke, Kaskade, Fedde Le Grand, DJ AM, Deadmau5, David Guetta, Boys Noize, Benny Benassi, Afrojack, Above & Beyond, 112th Planet and a whole host of other spell-check challenged band names that may or may not mean anything to you but it behooves me to tell ya that this must see celebration of life is the best audio-visual exhibition yet of how endemic rave culture has become, from the brain bleachin’ beats to the far-flung fashions to the theatrical choreographed concepts.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Dex Romweber Duo – Is That You In The Blue? (Bloodshot) :: Given Dex’s depressionist “Vincent Van Gone” painting on the front and his baleful Victorian gaze on the back, you’d be excused for thinking that this was some kinda downer disc on the inside—but the twangin’ saxabilly rave up that opens this album immediately puts a steel-capped boot to that theory. Armed with a hypnotic voice that sounds like a monster mash-up between Iggy “Frankenstooge” Pop and Belá “Lounge Lizard” Lugosi, this here Dexter dexterously dishes out an imaginary Lo-Fi soundtrack to a lost Rodriguez and Tarantino double creature feature that the Cramps never got to score. Bonus points for the Enoesque “Kitchen Utensils” percussion credit given to skin smasher Sara; and for waxing a cover of Billy Boy Arnold’s “I Wish You Would” that actually gives Bowie’s version on Pinups a run for its money in the sonic corrosion department.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #644.294!

Maxeen – Maxeen (Side One Dummy) :: Despite having a glam band name and an album produced by vintage Ramones producer Ed Stasium, this album’s pretty vacant and I don’t care.

2Pac – Nu-Mixx Klazzics (Death Row) :: This grave robbin’ rehash vaults Tupac Shakur into first place on the ‘Most Records Released By A Dead Musician’ list: 293, thus breaking the previous record of 292 which was formerly held by Jimi Hendrix. But once you get past the obvious Slade influence in the album title, there isn’t anything else here worth noting unless you want to hear half a dozen new vocalists making topical references to al-Qaeda in an attempt to make Tupes more relevant to a new generation of post-9/11 homies. File under: Slayola.

Foo Fighters – Everywhere But Home (Roswell) :: Anyone else would’ve popped a few antacids and gotten a quickie divorce but noooooooo. So thank heaven for nagging wives and upset stomachs or else we’d never have this three-hour documentary to kick around. You get so much blast for your buck on this single disc delight that it’s kinda hard to know where to begin. The Toronto show? The Washington show? The Reykjavik show? Look, isn’t it about time that you recorded over that old VHS copy of Live! Tonight! Sold Out! and stepped into the twenty-first century? Or would you rather take the easy way out—you know, like your denim-clad grunge hero did—and administer yourself an extra strength shot of Terminalin? Nah, I didn’t think so.

Natural Dreamers – Natural Dreamers (Frentic) :: Imagine Lou Reed being so depressed in 1966 after the first Velvets album tanked that he loaded up on smack and scotch, stumbled into a studio, and recorded an amateurish half hour of rudimentary jangling discordant instrumentals before finally overdosing. Well, this record is worse.

The Wildhearts – Riff After Riff (Gearhead) :: Ever wonder what KISS would sound like if they were influenced by the Monkees and produced by Todd Rundgren? Me neither.

SIZZLING PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: Ike Turner And The Kings Of Rhythm And Blues – A Black Man’s Soul (Tuff City) & Sam And The Soul Machine – Po’k Bones & Rice (Tuff City) :: If you’re in the meat market for some ultra fine ’n’ funky make-out music to slip on before you slip it in, then these two are right up your back alley. Ike’s A Black Man’s Soul is a percolatin’ slice of pudenda poppin’ screwdoo whose trippy spatial stereo separation will have you bouncin’ up against the buckboard. Then, just when you think that you’ve spunked out for the night, “Unca” Sam Henry’s previously unreleased organ-driven Po’k Bones & Rice will get you back up and keep you there for the duration. Music so drenched in slick shiny sweatola it could only have been recorded in ’69—if you catch my drift.

Be seeing you!

JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #643.287!

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – “I Put A Spell On You” (Grand) :: Amateur.

Suicide – “Frankie Teardrop” (Red Star) :: Amateurs.

Alice Cooper – “I Love The Dead” (Warner Bros.) :: Amateur.

Rolling Stones – “Too Much Blood” (Rolling Stones) :: Amateurs.

David Bowie – “We Are The Dead” (RCA) :: Amateur.

Iggy & The Stooges – “Death Trip” (Columbia) :: Amateurs.

Christina Crawford – Mommie Dearest (William Morrow & Co.) :: Nothing like writing a withering tell-all exposé about your Mother while she’s still alive and then waiting to publish it until after she’s dead and unable to defend herself. She’ll get you, my pretty...

Blue Öyster Cult – “Joan Crawford” (Columbia) :: Now listen up and listen good ’cause I’m here to tell ya that you can forget all about your Screamin’ Jay Hawkins moaning “I Put A Spell On You” and your Alice Cooper screaming “I Love The Dead” and your David Bowie crooning “We Are The Dead” and your Mick Jagger camping “Too Much Blood” and your Rob Zombie and your Marilyn Manson and your Stooges and your Suicide and every other Ted Mack’s Amateur Hour wannabe wax-recording spook show shockmeister because this is the most humorously horrifying song ever recorded, bar none, son—and I’m talking about humor that’s so black it seeps into an ultraviolet vein.

It all begins with an introductory gothic piano solo after which the band steps in to support a set of premonitory apocalyptic lyrics, the likes of which would make Bruce Springsteen roll over and tell Jim Steinman the news:

“Junkies down in Brooklyn are going crazy; they’re laughing just like hungry dogs in the street. Policemen are hiding behind the skirts of little girls; their eyes have turned the color of frozen meat. The sky is filled with herds of shivering angels...”

Then comes the scared stiff stutter-step chant that leads up to the caveat chorus:

“No. No, no, no. No, no, no-no-no-no-no-no: Joan Crawford has risen from the grave...”

And as if all that wasn’t enough to set the squalid scene, there follows a rapid-fire sound effects montage of coffin-cracking grave-escaping paranormal pandemonium gone wild including: the shriek of screeching tires; an automobile collision; a ringing telephone; a vacuum; a crying baby; ten pins falling in a bowling alley; a crowing rooster; a cash register being rung; a race track bugler; a starting gate bell; howling dogs; a steamship horn; and a burglar alarm that slowly fades into silence as a swirling vortex of scabrous sound heralds Joan Crawford’s return from the other side to confront her delinquent daughter:

“Christina... Mother’s Home... Christina... Come to Mother... Christina...”

The result is an uncanny audio experience that eerily evokes a mental image somewhere between the shambling misshapen creatures that “Ghastly” Graham Ingles used to draw for EC Comics and the equally unsettling thing waiting on the other side of the door in The Monkey’s Paw.

Faye Dunaway – Mommie Dearest (Paramount) :: ...and your little lapdog too!

Be spooking you!