249 COLUMNS LATER IT’S JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #250!

Hello, I’m Jeffrey Morgan, founder of the international humanitarian aid organization Rock Critics Without Borders.

When I created RCWB at the dawn of rock ’n’ roll back in 1954, one of my primary goals was to spread the literal word of rock music around the world through the expert applied use of informed rock criticism. For over fifty years my missionaries have traversed the far-flung corners of the globe and converted millions of ignorant savages to this enlightened cause. Thanks to my pioneering work in this field, thousands of government departments have been created over the past half century which do just that—and a whole lot more.

Some of these officially sanctioned RCWB affiliated agencies include: Plotzen Roll (Israel); Her Majesty’s Official Ministry of Popular Music (England); Heil Rockenplatz (Germany); Rockit Unit (USSR); Rock ’n’ Roll Canada (People’s Republic of Canuckistan); and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Sex, Drugs and Rock ’n’ Roll (USA).

Under my direct leadership, the research and development wings of these departments have been responsible for creating the most exciting innovations in the history of rock ’n’ roll.

In the 1950s, in partnership with Tip Top Tailors, I introduced the tradition of rock musicians wearing suits and ties on stage so wary parents would feel more at ease with this new form of entertainment.

Then in the 1960s, I teamed up with Consolidated Edison to develop the powerful electrical infrastructure needed to provide terawatts of clean renewable energy to every major outdoor peace and love festival from Altamont to Medicine Ball Caravan.

And in the 1970s, I joined forces with the elite scientists of Dow Chemical to invent the weapons-grade pyrotechnics which made the theatrical rock era possible.

Yes, Rock Critics Without Borders has been there every decibel of the way but we’re not finished yet. I’ve just signed a memo of understanding with Weyland-Yutani and the Union Aerospace Corporation to expand my ministry off world to other planets. If there’s life on Mars, you can bet that I’ll find it and convert it.

The first sixty years have been great, but I guarantee that the best is yet to come. You have my word on it because my name is Jeffrey Morgan—and I am rock ’n’ roll.

Be seeing you!