EVERYTHING OLD IS JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #339!

Queen – Greatest Video Hits (Eagle Vision) :: Back in 1981, the band released a cross-platformed rhyming quartet of classic content called Queen’s Greatest Hits (audio); Queen’s Greatest Pix (visual); Queen’s Greatest Flix (video): and Queen’s Greatest Dix (don’t ask). Well, this brand new twofer upgrades and expands upon the ancient VHS format collection by collecting an overflowing to the point of overdosing 33 of their rock videos, beginning with “Boho Rhapso” and ending with “One Vision.” Bonus points for including a second audio track which features the vaudeville team of May & Taylor reprising the comedy commentary act that made listening to Eagle Vision’s film Queen Rock Montreal such an unabashed laff riot.

SIZZLING PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: The Rolling Stones – “Doom And Gloom” (London) & KI$$ – Monster (Casablanca) & Heart – Fanatic (Epic) :: And speaking of old queens, here are three more aging aggregations that just don’t know when to toss in the towel and call it kaput.

First up is that aural albatross the Stones, who are back treading water with a brand new 50th anniversary single slung around their scrawny necks that’s actually their best rock ’n’ roll recording this century—which, come to think of it, ain’t sayin’ much. The band is at their cowbell bashing best with a surfeit of stereo guitars and a drummer who’s obviously not in control of his skin-smashing anger. However, the singer’s in fine frantic fettle and, even better, he’s come up with his goofiest set of lyrics since he was heard yelping on “Too Much Blood” about dancing with a one-legged woman for fifty cents. This time around he’s yapping his gums raw about being in a zombie-infested swamp, proving once again that Mick Jagger never met a pop culture trend that he didn’t swipe.

Next up to the tee ball plate is Gene $immons and his monkey friend, who have nerfed out a record that may be too boisterous for the blue rinse set but isn’t as noggin gnashin’ as Revenge or Carnival Of Souls. It does, however, make a heckuva lot more noise than Dynasty—which, come to think of it, ain’t sayin’ much. Nevertheless, hearing Paul $tanley and his monkey friend singing together on the same track is still a furtive kick in the kishkes.

Finally we have those darlings of the USO, the Wilson Sisters, who have come up with an album that actually shouts it out louder than KI$$ at their retirement home crankiest—which, come to think of it, ain’t sayin’ much. Especially since Ann ’n’ Nan don’t feel like amping it up as much as they used to, which explains why they can’t hold a hypo to the Stones for sheer cranked-up speed. However, I heartily no pun intended recommend that you give all three of these geriatric geezers the old spinola because one of these days, and it won’t be long, you’ll look for them but, baby, they’ll be gone.

Be seeing you!