JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #977.611.252!

Alice Cooper – Lay Down And Die, Goodbye (Straight) :: If lacquering his liver for years with Budweiser and Canadian Club didn’t kill him, then nothing will. File under: Too Tough To Die.

Suicide – Frankie Teardrop (Red Star) :: What, they’re still alive? Amateurs!

Elton John – Someone Saved My Life Tonight (MCA) :: If Bernie hadn’t pulled Reg’s head out of that gas oven, we never would’ve have had the pleasure of hearing him subsequently shill: “Sassoon says so much”! Anyone got a match?

Frank Gallup – Got A Match? (Paramount) :: I beg your pardon!

Ozzy Osbourne – Suicide Solution (Epic) :: If the bat-bite rabies didn’t kill him, then nothing will. File under: Too Tough To Die.

Metallica – Fade To Black (Elektra) :: What, they’re still alive? Amateurs!

Prince – Sexual Suicide (NPG) :: File under: Freddie Mercury.

Freddie Mercury – Don’t Try Suicide (Elektra) :: Ironic, innit?

Paul McCartney – Suicide (Capitol) :: You’d think that writing a song called “Suicide” at age fourteen would portend something dire, but daddy says nothing doing. File under: Too Tough To Die.

David Lee Roth – Jump (Warner Bros.) :: When he sings “Go ahead and jump!” what did you think he was talking about? Hopscotch?

Cheap Trick – Auf Wiedersehen (Epic) :: Need a push?

Sparks – Here In Heaven (Island) :: Only Ron Mael could write a song about a suicide pact in which the woman reneges—as sung from the point of view of the man who, having gone first, said goodbye cruel world: “Now I know why you let me take the lead.”

The Mash – Suicide Is Painless (Columbia) :: Number one with a bullet!

Grand Funk Railroad – Born To Die (Capitol) :: What, they’re still alive? Amateurs!

Woody Guthrie – So Long, It’s been Good To Know Yuh (Elektra) :: Even Okies get the dust bowl blues.

Phil Ochs – Rehearsals For Retirement (A&M) :: Merely the greatest—and, regrettably, most prophetic—album cover ever.

Trent Reznor – Gave Up (Nothing) :: When the singer describes his music as being “an ultra fast chunk of death” and then repeatedly wails “I tried, I gave up” you’d think that he would’ve backed up his brag by now, but no. File under: Too Tough To Die.

Ramones – Too Tough To Die (Sire) :: Really?

Iggy & The Stooges – Death Trip (Columbia) :: What, they’re still alive? Amateurs!

PRESCIENT PLATTER OF THE WEEK – SAD ONE: Michael Hutchence – Suicide Blonde (Mercury) :: Professional.

PRESCIENT PLATTER OF THE WEEK – SAD TWO: Kurt Cobain – I Hate Myself And I Want To Die (Geffen) :: To a fault.

Dorothy Parker – Résumé (Enough Rope) :: “Razors pain you; rivers are damp. Acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.”

Be seeing you!