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Sunday, February 26, 2012



Backseat Surprise (Unkle Dunk) :: It’s a good thing that Darrell Dwarf—double d, geddit?—Miller is a better singer songwriter than he is an album cover designer ’cause his “record design, concept and graphics” suck worse than an unplugged Hoover with a full bag.

And speaking of full bags, I’m all for having some anonymous skirt’s double d’s displayed on an album cover but the next time around he really oughtta hand-jive some Ohio Players jackets for inspiration first—at least they didn’t neuter their nude cover photos by running them as a pseudo-solarized negative image. That said, the music is an appealing power pop pud that owes more than a little to the kind of boozy bar band bombast that made the ’70s famous.

: And speaking of the ’70s, here’s an acidic flashback to the September 1976 issue of Cheap Thrills when I was just a callow youth who wrote the following record review and actually thought it was funny; then again, I did edit the rag, for Pete’s sake.

And speaking of Pete Townshend, who recently wrote a public apology for using offensive words like “blacks” and “queers” and “rape” when he wrote Quadrophenia in 1973, I likewise echo his sentiment that: “One day I would be made to apologize. I do so here. Now.”

Thankfully, after decades of intense sensitivity training, my writing style has now evolved over the past 36 years to the point where I would never write something as irresponsibly heinous like this today:

Contradiction (Mercury) :: It’s long been a proven scientific fact that all women have brains the size of a pea. I know it, you know it, and the Ohio Players know it. Just like Pleasure; Pain; Fire; Water; Ecstasy; Money; Leather; and Greed before it, Contraception continues the Players’ search for the Eternal All-Nite Party and the funky, foxy All-Nite Lay that goes with it in some secluded upstairs bedroom.

I mean, just dig these liner notes: “I’ll only use you when absolutely necessary...” Right on! And how about these lyrics: “Women are feminine and that’s all right with me ’cause they make my manhood feel good.” All right, indeed! And dig that naked broad ridin’ that horse inside the fold-out sleeve! Thumpa Thumpa City! You betcha!

Them Ohio Players know that a woman’s proper place is either in the kitchen makin’ dinner or in the bedroom makin’ babies. So keep the OP on the turntable at ALL TIMES ’cause you never know when you just might be in the mood to put your lady in her proper place (and we all know where that is).

Next to the Ohio Players, Barry White is a fag and all women nuthin’ but slaves. Do you hear me? SLAVES! Alright, it’s time to get down. You know what to do. Now get to it.

Beulah, peel me a grape.

Be seeing you!

Sun, February 26, 2012 | link 

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