THE GIRL CAN’T HELP JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #294!

Lindsay Lohan – Stacked ’n’ Smacked (Playboy) :: I’ll take Miss February 1955 any day.

Maxeen – Maxeen (Side One Dummy) :: Despite having a glam band name and an album produced by vintage Ramones producer Ed Stasium, this album’s pretty vacant and I don’t care.

2Pac – Nu-Mixx Klazzics (Death Row) :: This grave robbin’ rehash vaults Tupac Shakur into first place on the ‘Most Records Released By A Dead Musician’ list: 293, thus breaking the previous record of 292 which was formerly held by Jimi Hendrix. But once you get past the obvious Slade influence in the album title, there isn’t anything else here worth noting unless you want to hear half a dozen new vocalists making topical references to al-Qaeda in an attempt to make Tupes more relevant to a new generation of post-9/11 homies. File under: Slayola.

Foo Fighters – Everywhere But Home (Roswell) :: Anyone else would’ve popped a few antacids and gotten a quickie divorce but noooooooo. So thank heaven for nagging wives and upset stomachs or else we’d never have this three-hour documentary to kick around. You get so much blast for your buck on this single disc delight that it’s kinda hard to know where to begin. The Toronto show? The Washington show? The Reykjavik show? Look, isn’t it about time that you recorded over that old VHS copy of Live! Tonight! Sold Out! and stepped into the twenty-first century? Or would you rather take the easy way out—you know, like your denim-clad grunge hero did—and administer yourself an extra strength shot of Terminalin? Nah, I didn’t think so.

Natural Dreamers – Natural Dreamers (Frentic) :: Imagine Lou Reed being so depressed in 1966 after the first Velvets album tanked that he loaded up on smack and scotch, stumbled into a studio, and recorded an amateurish half hour of rudimentary jangling discordant instrumentals before finally overdosing. Well, this record is worse.

The Wildhearts – Riff After Riff (Gearhead) :: Ever wonder what KISS would sound like if they were influenced by the Monkees and produced by Todd Rundgren? Me neither.

SIZZLING PLATTERS OF THE WEEK: Ike Turner And The Kings Of Rhythm And Blues – A Black Man’s Soul (Tuff City) & Sam And The Soul Machine – Po’k Bones & Rice (Tuff City) :: If you’re in the meat market for some ultra fine ’n’ funky make-out music to slip on before you slip it in, then these two are right up your back alley. Ike’s A Black Man’s Soul is a percolatin’ slice of pudenda poppin’ screwdoo whose trippy spatial stereo separation will have you bouncin’ up against the buckboard. Then, just when you think that you’ve spunked out for the night, “Unca” Sam Henry’s previously unreleased organ-driven Po’k Bones & Rice will get you back up and keep you there for the duration. Music so drenched in slick shiny sweatola it could only have been recorded in ’69—if you catch my drift.

Be seeing you!