A BIG TUMS UP FO’ JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #362!

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SIZZLING CRITIC OF THE WEEK: Roger Ebert – 1942-2013 (R.I.P.) :: When I was writing my first media parody for CREEM back in 1975, Roger Ebert was winning a Pulitzer for writing movie reviews, of all things. Of course, the cat had over a decade on me, but still. A Pulitzer. For writing movie reviews.

You’ll never see a rock critic snag one of those babies. I mean, if a hoity-toity high falutin egghead like Dave Marsh or Robert Christgau hasn’t bagged one by now—let alone a people’s choice populist like Lester Bangs—ain’t nobody ever gonna.

And don’t you go looking at me as The Great Rock Hope because I’ve always had my eye on a different prize; to quote that great humanitarian Klaus Kinski: “I’d like to win a Nobel. It’s a good check.”

But getting back to the parody bit: you always spoof the ones you love and, just like my main mimetic hero, the legendary Frank Gorshin, I’ve always been lucky enough to have the ‘voice’ to do it.

So here’s my fond farewell to one of the greats, as it originally appeared in the July 2004 issue of CREEM. It may not have won me any awards, but let’s not forget that Roger “Pulitzer” Ebert is the same man who teamed up with Russ “The Bust” Meyer to create such super stacked mondo classics as Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra-Vixens and the Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi?

So maybe there’s hope for me yet.

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JACKIE-O – The Official Bootleg (Poe Boy)

FADE IN.

ROGER EBERT: Welcome to Ebert And Kingfish At The Records. Today we’re listening to a new mix tape by Miami rapper Jackie-O. And I have to say that if you’re a young impressionable gang banging woman who’s in the market for a new urban role model to emulate, then look no further. Kingfish, you can forget all about Patra and L’il Kim and Yo Yo because this record significantly raises the stakes by substantially lowering the bar.

THE KINGFISH: Ain’t dat da troot! Ah gives dis wun a big tums up ’cuz dis heah Jackie-O ain’t no Missus Onassis widda azz fulla molasses, no suh.

EBERT: And they’re not whistling in Dixie either when they call her ‘The Most Anticipated Bitch Of The South’ on the front cover. But that’s just the beginning. On “Take My Breath Away” she says she’s ‘The Madam Of Miami.’ On “Street Heat” she says she’s ‘The Queen Of The Motherfucking South.’ On “Gangsta Bitch” she challenges a female rival by saying: “Cut to the chase, ho. I’ll cut your face, ho. If that’s your man I wanna fuck him in his face, ho.” And on “Fuck Yall Niggas” she makes the following dedication: “This one goes out to the fuck niggers, the clit lickers, and the cum drinkers.”

KINGFISH: Ho-lee mack’rel!

EBERT: You said a mouthful, Kingfish. In fact, this raunchy album is so hot and nasty I wouldn’t be surprised if it could bring a dead man back to life.

GENE SISKEL: Hi guys.

KINGFISH: Aw, shee-it! Ah guess dis means dat ah’m outta a job!

FADE OUT.

Be seeing you!